PODCAST: Finding intimacy at the heart of conflict
|October 30, 2020
I joined my dear friend and fellow leadership coach Andy Cahill on his excellent podcast, The Wonderdome, to talk about the relevance of conflict work in these times. Andy delved with me into how we can attune to the dynamics of group conflict. By making these relational dynamics visible, we can help seemingly opposing parties move towards healing, wholeness, and collective evolution.
Here are some captures of what I talked about:
- “Because giving someone experience that they’ve been heard is satisfying, it’s soothing, it’s relieving, it allows them to feel dignified as a human being. And then from that point, we’re in a much better position to ask a question like, would you like to hear what I think about this issue? Or, you know, that being the case for you, can we explore something together now? You know, people are a lot more willing to go with you, if you’ve given that respect of like listening to what they have to say, rather than shutting it down immediately thinking that we already know who they are, you know. All of that can really obstruct the connection.”
- “I was a lawyer for a little bit, a short little stint. It wasn’t quite my job in the end. But it’s really cool now that in some of my work, I actually help women with their negotiation skills. And it’s really cool to be able to pull on that piece of my background and use it in this context where these women are emerging leaders. They’re freaking fascinating in what they want to bring to the world, and how they want to utilize what they have, their gifts, their talents, their resource, their natural innate resource. So helping them negotiate better and ask for what they want, it’s like, incredibly satisfying to me. And I like to think that I’m just giving them more colors in their paint box to paint with for when the right moment arises.”
- “And the word that leaps to my mind as I’m hearing you talk about this, is intimacy. Coming into deeper intimacy with each other. Even the most powerful people that we might think of in the world are vulnerable in some way. There is some part of their heart or being that is tender, or that they are trying to protect, you know. So there’s those things that can bring us into connection, making an intervention that just clarifies what’s being felt but not said, you know, can draw us into intimacy. I think that when we really listen to each other very deeply, we can cultivate a lot of intimacy.”
In the midst of these fiery times, I hope that this conversation sparks new possibilities for you and the people you work with.